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Monthly Archives: June 2012

(This was written at 2:00 AM on my iPhone. I must say I’m quite proud.)

My digital clock digitally strikes seven and my alarm begins to buzz,  sounding sort of like a rejected audio file from a mid 80’s arcade game. Begrudingly my eyes open and instantly they are assaulted by a blinding light. Making me feel like the prime suspect in a shitty crime drama. 

Then something remarkable happens, my pupils begin to dilate and my brain begins to function… I realize, it’s not that bright! I shake away the sunspots and scratch my unshaven scrotum (it’s been a while since I’ve participated in the horizontal happy dance with anything other then my softest sock. Why would I need to shave?)

After I am content with my Ape-like behavior I sit up and breath in the fresh air of a new day…

Then I remember, I still hate everything and all of a sudden the day seems significantly more depressing. 

I’m feeling morose again, I really do need to get laid.

I sigh and I bitch to myself in cafine depravity induced pesudo-English as I pull myself out of my bed. I’m naked. I suppose I should remedy that. So I throw on a pair of shorts that are in a desperate need of having all of my ‘lonliness’ washed out of them. 

My stomach growls at me like the yippy little cunt of a dog my mother used to own, so I stumble towards the kitchen, my jerky, spastic movements making me vaguely resemble the love child of Jack Sparrow and a mental defect. 

I swing open my cupboard, grab a bowl and drop it loudly onto the counter. Having forgotten to close aforementioned cupboard, I smash my unsuspecting forehead into it on the way to my refrigerator. Huffing fuck repeatedly I pull out the half empty bag of milk (I am Canadian after all) and begin pouring it into the empty bowl. 

Shit! Where the fuck’s the cereal? I quickly stop pouring milk into the bowl and turn around to face the sister cupboard to the one who had previously assaulted me. I peer inside and realize I don’t have a fuck of a lot to choose from. Oatmeal Crisp it is. The breakfast cereal of grandparents everywhere. Rightfully so, as that shit is the bomb. 

I sprinkle the barely fresh cereal into the half full bowl of milk, allowing a content sigh to brush past my lips as I fill my bowl to the top. I grab a spoon and sit down. 

Not even thirty seconds after seating myself, something hits me. Something terrible enough to ruin my blissful Oatmeal Crisp devouring experience. 

I have to shit. 

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I am no one, yet I am everyone. I have existed forever and I shall exist for as long as shadows corrupt the minds and hearts of men… I am the darkness— Just kidding! I’m nothing of the sort, I’m just a simple over-opiniated white boy with access to a keyboard and a rage beyond the norm of those who hail from a happy middle class upbringing. Oh, and I also lost a nut in a drunken bar fight with my mother.

Anywhom, enough self-deprecation for the sake of a cheap chuckle. My Name is Steven (As I’m sure you’ve managed to guess, and if you haven’t… Well fuck.. Your observational skills are signifigantly under par.) I’m many things, an expert in all things geekdom, a metal fan, a (sort-of) proud Greek, a pesudo-intellectual, a hopless romantic, a porn addict, a prick, a chav, a cunt, AND an aspiring author.

I have a wide array of things that interest me, meaning that I’ll pretty much write about anything. Music/Movie/Literature/Video Game/Anime/Comic Reviews? Hell Yes! Short Stories? Hell yes! Life Experiences? Hell Yes! My attempts at Gonzo Journalism? Ad Nauseam!

Along with the other two dudeski’s on this hur blog, I hope we can shape this into a truly enjoyable reading experience. I anxiously await what shall become of this website

 

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